Visitation

Back seat travel

sitting next to my sister

watching the trees fly by outside my window

like a forest going by on a very fast train.

Sleepy thoughts floating in and out

between daydreams and reason.

Huntsville.

An eternity away to nine year old me.

I watch the window

stare up into the sky

and wish I could fly

Free and happier than anything

to taste the clouds

and feel the wind blowing against my face

while smiling like crazy

because

I can fly.

I wake up and we're almost there.

The car stops at another red light.

I'm a little scared of whatever is up ahead

We pull into the drive and I wish I could shrink away inside my seat

until I'm invisible.

Guards stand watching in towers higher than the trees in my neighborhood.

Arms folded.

Eyes searching everything.

I can see their rifles shining in the hot afternoon sun

My heart beats so hard I'm afraid they can hear it.

The fence in front of me stands taller than my house.

Great loops of barbed wire give a cruel looking razor sharp, man-eating shine.

I look away quickly, and hope they won't ever tangle me

The guard we talk to speaks like he's a part of the fence.

He's like the wall.

No smiling in his eyes.

No nonsense in his voice.

He looks at me like he's reading another empty chapter

in a very long and hard book

that he wants to put down

and stop reading.

I'm too afraid to give him a smile or a wave.

So I just look back at him with a very wide-eyed, wondering look

trying not to do anything wrong.

We park a long way out.

It takes a long time to walk across the hot black parking lot toward the building.

Like the fence and the guards,

it looks enormous.

It stands like a giant brick box against the sky

as if it's trying to keep us all out

even the sunshine and the air.

Holding mom's hand tight as we start up the sidewalk

imposing

the doors don't want to let us in

the walls and bars don't want to let anyone out

I hold my breath as I walk inside.

Faces...

mean ones

tired ones

sad ones

angry ones

hungry ones

they all turn and look at me

Eyes tell me a story behind each person

some are sad

some are old

some full of hate

and others are only very tired

they look to see who the door let in

inside of their caged in world

made of glass, wire and steel

Fences and walls

inside of the giant box filled with guards

I feel small and afraid

and I wonder why we have to come here to see my Daddy

My sister is braver

She walks tall and unafraid

She acts like she can't see them looking

walking straight past the lady with the stroller

following mom like she's another grown up.

I look at the floor and keep up with her tennis shoes

I don't want to look up anymore.

Hard folding chairs line the room

with a counter full of little windows made of screen wire and glass

separating the whole room down the middle

groups of men sit on the other side of the windows

sitting and talking with us on the outside

guards stand at each side of the wall

and one sits in the middle between the two separated window aisles

He watches the men with folded arms

and stares at them, and us, all the while.

Daddy is behind the glass.

I see him come from outside of the hallway.

He looks different

but he has his same smile.

His eyes smile at me

and look tired around the edges.

He tries not to show it.

But I think his eyes are sad too.

He sits in front of the window.

And puts his hand on the glass.

It's like a game.

I put my little hand up to the glass too.

His hand is much bigger.

I smile and for a moment

I'm not afraid.

My sister talks first to Daddy.

She's older than I am and she's got a lot more to say.

School, the new house, new church, new friends...

Daddy smiles and then says to wait just a minute.

He goes up and gives the guard some change

and buys us sodas.

Puts them on the little ledge at the guard's post.

Then tells us to go and pick them up.

They are for us.

We walk down and wait, afraid to ask.

The guard stops being a wall for a half a minute

as he smiles and hands us the sodas.

Then goes back to his folded arms

and staring like a watchdog.

We play small games

whatever we can

on either side of the glass between us

Watching Mama and Daddy

they talk and smile some

and wipe away tears and talk some more.

It's not as good as a hug,

but the guards and the wall won't let him past.

So we put our hands again on the glass

and press them together there as long as we can.

Too soon, another guard calls time.

He stares like a wolf ready to bite somebody.

Daddy says he loves us, be good, listen to Mama.

And then he says good-bye

I think there were tears in his eyes.

Mama tries hard not to cry.

She watches as he leaves the little room

going down the hall

behind the caged-in bars.

Then we all turn away and leave for home.

I sleep nearly all the way there

waking now and then to stare up at the moon

wondering and staring

waiting for an answer to be spelled out in the stars.

The forest turns black and the sky to dark blue velvet.

while the trees fly silently past the window

like giant black bars made of iron.

I fall asleep and dream of flying over the big brick box

past the guards and razor wire

until I find my Daddy

where we both fly away together

soaring over the prison like a bird

and smiling like crazy

because we're free.